I loved my dad.

That was Never confusing.

What was confusing was how we could be so close one day, and then feel so far apart the next.

Sometimes he made me feel so special.

One time my brother got to go on a trip and I had to stay home. He felt bad about that. Later, he surprised me with a tv. That was a big deal in the 80’s. He waited for me to walk down the driveway and turned it all the way up so I could hear it before I even got inside

In that moment, I felt chosen.

But as I got older, something changed.

The closeness didn’t always come with hugs or warmth anymore. Sometimes it came with things.gifts.surprises. Stuff

And even though I was grateful, that wasn’t what I really needed.

I needed the affection he used to show. I needed the warmth. I needed the steady closeness.

Things can be loud Affection is quiet

And I missed the quiet

He would get quiet. He would pull away. He would say things that made me feel small.

When you are a kid, you don’t think grown-ups are complicated

You think it must be you.

So I tried to be better. I tried to be quieter. I tried to make the warm days come back.

I didn’t stop loving my dad.

I just learned to be careful.

It is confusing to love someone who shows love with things when what you really need is their arms around you.

For a long time I thought it was my fault.

It wasn’t.

-kellie